Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
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Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard