Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
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I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11