WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.