There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
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Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
🤣dope
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
where do you see yourself in five years?
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice