Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
You Might Also Like
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Every work call, he judges.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?