*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
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Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.