JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
You Might Also Like
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Going into Monday like
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.