Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
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Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?