So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
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“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
first you must answer his riddles
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
wut hotdog?
And bowling should be called pinball
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room