My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
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Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
the Monday after daylight savings
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I am patiently waiting for your email
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.