[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
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me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
It do be feeling this way.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example