Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
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Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Sharon I have some bad news
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.