Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
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Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Imma just leave this here…………
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist