jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
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Time for evil
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Chicago sounds lovely.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math