Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 馃槉
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Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I scratched my wife鈥檚 makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Couldn鈥檛 find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Couldn鈥檛 find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
me, sober: ugh, i鈥檓 never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin