Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
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I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
when dads have a rap battle
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me