Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
You Might Also Like
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
somebody come look at this
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
cats when you pet them too long:
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
classic mixup