Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
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I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
english majors be like furthermore
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Not today. 😅
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING