[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
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Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
This why you should mind your business
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
True statement👍😏😁
I am a gravy boat captain
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.