Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
This is I, Robot all over again
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend