Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
🙋♀️
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.