I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
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Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
finally found a reasonable question
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana