[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
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damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
This is a bad sign
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao