Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
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shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?