I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
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[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”