My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
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I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude