I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
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I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*