And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.