I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
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All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Oh my god
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
When can I start eating bats again.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.