wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
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Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?