Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
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My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm