Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
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I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Basically.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
You are what you delete.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.