“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
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“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”