Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
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Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”