Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
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SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol