Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
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God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
What flavor cupcake are these
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.