*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
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I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it