I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
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12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…