wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
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If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.