Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
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netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me