I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
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Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.