Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
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when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
We avoided this particular disaster
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Everyone’s family
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.