*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
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Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after