Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?