-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
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boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur