Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
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I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
men are simple creatures
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.