[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
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Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.