Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
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Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.