i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
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me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
This is a bad sign
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
wtf management?!
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.