developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
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2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Matt Goss
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
This 4th of July, please remember…
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky